


Why Are You Like This?

by Sylph_of_Breath



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Implied domestic/partner abuse, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:01:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22982953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylph_of_Breath/pseuds/Sylph_of_Breath
Relationships: Jane Crocker/Jake English
Kudos: 20





	Why Are You Like This?

_Why are you like this?_

Your name is Jake Crocker. You are sitting in your luxurious bathtub in your giant bathroom in your enormous house for what’s coming up on hour four. Your laptop is carefully balanced on the ledge running _Tomb Raider_ for the second time in a row. Your phone is in your hand. You have played 15 games of solitaire, then 12 levels of _Crocker Corp. Presents Betty Crocker’s Cake Match Extravaganza! 4: 3D_ , then another 3 rounds of solitaire, then checked your Crock-Thoughts feed, then another round of _Cake Match_ , but now you finally succumb to the boredom and put your phone down. You quickly realize that that was a mistake, because the all familiar sensations of an impending panic attack immediately flood in. Your forehead dampens with sweat, despite the fact that it’s been 45 minutes since you last warmed up the bath. Your pulse quickens, despite the fact that you’ve barely moved for hours. Your lungs scream out for oxygen, despite the fact that you are breathing heavily.

_Why are you like this? Why are you like this? WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?_

You look over at the other ledge of the tub. Nail clippers. Razors. Or there’s always the option of just sinking down and not coming up…

_GOD, SHUT UP? WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?_

You clench your fists and let the sharp sensation of your fingernails in your palms calm you instead. You close your eyes. You concentrate on relaxing your muscles. You focus on your breathing. Just like the internet said.

_It’s never as bad as you think it will be. If you just get it over with it will be over and you won’t have to feel like this anymore._

_But, what if you didn’t have to do it today? Wouldn’t that make you feel better? What if these feelings went away for today and you don’t even have to talk to her…_

The anxiety becomes larger than your body and you release a little bit in a quiet involuntary moan. You dunk your head under the water, rub your face, smooth your hair, wipe your glasses on your towel, anything to feel some sense of progress, accomplishment, control.

You check your phone. It’s 5:53. Only one hour and seven minutes until the photographer gets here. Still time to text Jane and tell her you’re sick. Or you could stay in the bath another hour and a half and say you forgot and she’ll just have to reschedule, or…

_Nail clippers, razors, water…_

_UGH! Stop! You are NOT going to kill yourself because you’re afraid to take a Christmas card photo with your WIFE and your SON! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?_

You check your phone again. It’s 5:55. It buzzes and you nearly drop it in the tub out of shear terror. You very carefully pull down the notification menu to see the message preview without opening it. _Plausible deniability._

Tavros Crocker: Mom says get out of…

You can’t even put words to the mix of relief and disappointment that it wasn’t from Jane herself. Then each of your many simultaneous emotions melt into pure guilt when you look at your son’s name again.

_Maybe he’d be better off if you were dead…_

_SHUT UP!_

_Well wouldn’t he?_

_SHUT UP!!!_

Another moan escapes you, this one verges on a shout.

You have to pull it together. You have to be strong for your son. It is worse for him than it is for you. _It is worse for him than it is for you._ You have to find some strength, there has got to be some left, somewhere. You are not dead, you are not in a padded room babbling nonsense, which means you still must have something left to give.

You open the message and respond.

Jake Crocker: Tell mom I’ll be down in two shakes!

You pull the drain and turn on the shower to rinse off. You dry yourself, get dressed in the outfit that’s been laid out on your bed, and head downstairs just as the photographer is being shown in. You do this even though you are shaking the whole time. You give your wife a friendly nod and a smile, she gives you a neutral (not hateful! not disgusted!) glance in return, and then the posing begins. It’s over in 10 minutes or less. It wasn’t as bad as you feared. It never is. But you still fear it. There’s got to be a reason you’re still so afraid whenever you have to see Jane…

As soon as you are free again you practically dart up to your bedroom and close the door. You are grateful that you have long since been kicked out of the master suite, it means you have a place where you can reliably be alone without arousing suspicion. You pull out your phone again. You open CrockerSearch. You type “therapists” and stare at the word for a long time. You do not hit search. You close the app. You open PesterChum.

golgathasTerror [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

GT: Hey there Jadey!

GG: hello! i’m on a three-month retreat right now in the nuevo-andes and unfortunately do not have access to my phone or the internet at this time! i will be back in early february and will return your messages then! maybe i'll even let you know the meaning of life and the universe, hehe! thank you for reaching out! happy holidays!  
love, jade BP 

You sigh.

golgathasTerror [GT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

GT: Hi there John old boy!

EB: oh hey jake what’s up?

GT: Well, to cut right into the lasagna, I, er, have a favor to ask you, and its no small potatoes...

_Three days pass._

“Hey, uh, welcome!” John is already standing in the door when you and Tavros arrive. He looks slightly nervous.

_Gee, I wonder where he gets that from..._

“Boy howdy! Isn’t this great, Tavvy? It’s gonna be like a slumber party at Uncle John’s every night!”

Tavros doesn’t say anything. He looks down at his shoes.

“Why don’t you head on in Tavros? I fixed up the whole third floor for you!” John says.

He mutters a barely audible “thank you” without looking up and then heads inside.

“Johnny boy, I really wanna thank you for all this, taking in this washed up old adventurer and the lad like this…”

“It’s fine, Jake. This house is too big for just me anyway. You can have my Dad’s old room, up the stairs to the right.”

John considers his next words for a moment.

“I’m… I’m glad you and Tavros got out of there. You can stay as long as you need.”

The acknowledgement of the conflict leaves your mind and body frozen.

_What if you just let it all go right now? John will let you. John will listen. John will care. Just cry, talk, hug. You could set a better example for your son. It’s not too late for him. It’s not too late for you. You don’t have to be like this anymore. You don’t have to be like this anymore. You don’t have to be like this anymore..._

“I’ll just go in and unpack then…”

_Why are you like this?_


End file.
